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Transitioning your parents to a Nursing Home

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Cecily Alangaden

When I lived in India during my college days, I remember my relatives would laugh at the Western countries and make comments like: “They put their own loved ones in nursing homes? Why are they not taking care of their own parents? But sadly, the trend has changed. Now a days the Indian parents are living alone in India, while their children have moved to U.S, Australia, England and other European countries. These children have no time to take care of their parents. Most seniors are moving into nursing homes. It is the most difficult time of anyone’s life when you need to have a conversation with your parents about transitioning to a nursing home. And to your loved one, it would be like moving from a home they have known for years. Moreover, it is very hard for seniors to even accept the fact that they are getting old and is losing their independence. It requires lot of empathy, understanding, and patience to deal with this delicate topic and mentally prepare your parents for the transition.

 My aunt is ninety years old now. She was the life of the party, she would organize charitable events, and was very social. But her three sons are in U.S. Now that she is 90 years old, she cannot remember much. She keeps giving her maids wages twice as she forgets. She had a stroke and she still resists to go to a nursing home. And she cries saying if I had at least one son near me, I do not have to go to a nursing home. But due to stroke and memory loss, she had to be put into a nursing home. It was a difficult time. But the choice had to be made, to move to a nursing home. But I feel her sons or my cousins did not prepare her in a slow and smooth way for this transition, as being boys, they found it difficult to even start a conversation of this nature. I feel if my aunt had a daughter, she would have handled these situations in a more delicate way than her sons. It is because of this I chose to write a blog about “How to prepare your parents into transitioning to a Nursing Home”.

Show your concern

I feel that the first conversation should be not about moving to a nursing home but about how you noticed them struggling with daily chores like preparing a meal or even using the toilet. Talk to them about how worried you are about their safety. Using “I statement” rather than “You statements” will make the conversation feel less forced. Tell them “I worry about your safety”, rather than “You cannot prepare your own meals”. This will make them understand how concerned you are about their safety and how much you care for them.

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Visit many Nursing Homes with them

Visit some good facilities together, and pretend as though you are visiting a friend’s mother or even just making a simple visit organized by church. This helps them familiarize themselves with the environment, ask questions, and envision themselves there. Indirectly start the conversation about how well the senior care center takes care of seniors and the activities and fun they have. These visits and conversations should start before a major a crisis or emergency happens. This allows yourself and your loved one ample time to explore and evaluate the best options available. 

Be a good listener and be empathetic

After a few indirect visits to the nursing homes, the conversation should slowly begin about about transitioning to a nursing home. Since they are moving from a home they have lived for years, they certainly will have lot emotions about this. Remember that it’s an emotional and difficult time for your loved one, and they may resist the idea of moving into a nursing home. Try to understand their fears and anxieties and be patient and compassionate. It may take multiple conversations to come to a mutual understanding. Try to communicate openly and honestly and discuss their needs and preferences. Be a good listener and validate their feelings.  Approach their resistance and refusal with sensitivity. 

Explain to them the benefits 

Conversations about the benefits of moving into a nursing home can help your loved one understand the value of this decision. You should tell them of the opportunities they will have for socialization, and entertainment. Also express to them how much peace of mind  you will have as they will get continuous medical care. 

Make them feel like they are the final decision makers

It is important to make them feel that they are participating in the decision-making process. Asking them about their wishes and preferences about their future will make them feel as if they are in control. Talking about moving into a nursing home early on can eliminate surprises and give your loved one a sense of control and ownership of the decision. Put before them many options and let the know they can make the final decision. Respect their choices and involve them as much as possible in the selection process. 

Address their fears

It would be normal for seniors to feel fear and anxiety about leaving their home and losing their independence. Above all their main concern would be being separated from their loved ones. Have conversations about their concerns in an open and honest way. They should not feel like that you think of them as a burden. Ask them if they have any worries. Be a good listener and validate their feelings. Acknowledge that it’s a difficult change and be patient as they process the information.

Express your sincere feelings and don’t overreact or argue

Express your sincere feelings to them about how worried you are of their safety. It will make them understand that the suggestion about a transition to a nursing home are coming from a place of concern and love for them and not because you think they are a burden. Be prepared for resistance at first. It is common for your loved one to resist but it is important to stay calm and be patient. Everyone processes difficult situations and choices differently.

Reassurance

It is the most important aspect in the transition. Let them know that they will not lose all their independence. That you will visit them often and bring them home once in a while. Make them understand that having nursing help 24/7 is a wise decision, and having meals ready for them every day, is much better than preparing it themselves with difficulty. Ensure that they can still watch television and have entertainment.

Involve professionals to talk to them if needed

Sometimes they may listen to their own doctors whom they trust and care for them, or a social worker or a geriatric care manager. When they hear the recommendations from professionals they may take the idea of a transition seriously.

Give them space and time

Leaving a home, they lived in all their life is a huge decision which may be harder for them to process. Give them enough time and space to express sadness, fear, anxiety or even anger. You should give them much emotional support and love before, during, and after the move.

Preparing a loved one to move to nursing home may not be easy but it is good to have these conversations before a major crisis or emergency happens. By approaching the conversations with love, patience and empathy, you could give your loved one enough support and strength in the hardest time of their life.

Have you had situation when you found it hard to talk to your loves ones about moving to a nursing home? How did you handle this difficult situation?

Cecily Alangaden

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